A Different Kind Of Love.....

I have seen a lot of emotional posts from mothers who feel distraught at having to leave behind their babies, who with outstretched arms try to coax their dear mommies into taking the day off from work. I have also seen mothers expressing their joy when they come back home to find the same tiny figures rushing into their arms after a whole tiring day. The joys of motherhood, amongst everything else, also include these tiny yet priceless moments.

But how do I, being one who has not experienced motherhood in the human form, express my feelings when I find a four legged ball of fur clinging on to my arm this way as I pet him before I leave for office? J

Wish I had a picture of the actual moment!! This one here is just an illustration of what my boy (pictured below) did when I was petting him before I left for office.

This was a step further from his usual routine of expressing displeasure at the idea of me leaving the house. His daily practice of being upset includes - leaving his favourite food untouched till I step back into the house, staring at the entrance of the house as if waiting for the door to open and for me to walk in, skipping his daily extensive afternoon naps, and perched on his tree staring listlessly at the road visible from the window near his seat.
And while this is his customary way of dealing with my absence, on my return, I am welcomed by a ball of fur rushing to brush against my feet. He then goes on to lick my hands when picked up, runs around the house in a near crazy frenzy and then gobbles up the food because he is really hungry after the whole day. From then on, he follows me around the house much like a CCTV camera, from this room to that, watching my every move. J

Only after he is assured that I am back and not leaving the house anytime soon, does he settle down to catch up on his sleep for the entire day.

They say love has many forms. While someone might express love for his/her partner with mushy gifts and romantic dates, another might do so by drawing the curtains so that the piercing rays of the sun do not wake up his/her beloved in the morning, or by simply pushing in the drawer just in time before he/she stands up or turns in a hurry and gets hurt. 

And so does the love in the bond between a mother and a child have different hues. It does not matter, in what form the life that you nurture exists. Does not matter, if it has two hands and two legs or four paws. Does not matter, if it is covered in soft pink skin or a smooth coat of fur. Does not matter, if it was born out of you to adorn your lap or picked up from the streets to fill the vacuum in your lap and life. Love in all forms is as powerful and encompassing as a tornado that engulfs everything in its path. 

So, to all the supposedly well-wishing aunties of the neighbourhood and also the not so well wishing gossip mongers, here I repeat again what I once thought of and wrote - 
Motherhood doesn't entail that the life form being nurtured be of the same form as your own. As has been rightly said - 'Biology is the least of what makes someone a mother'.
I experience my own form of the joys of motherhood, and I treasure them as much as anyone else does.

The Great Indian Double Standards

                                            

"Double Standard". What kind of emotions do these words evoke? Are they positive or negative ones? Am sure everyone will have a common answer to this question - negative, of course! Why do I even need to ask that.....pretty obvious isn't it? We often use these words in varied circumstances that we are faced in life, but mostly to point out the "double standards" in others. Well today's rant is not going to go down well with those who only use these terms in the event where the subject is someone else. Reason being that, today I sit down to point out the great Indian Double Standards, something that each one of us, in ways big or small, exhibit. So, if you are one who likes looking at the mirror to only see the great Godly image of yourself, I would suggest you to stop reading this piece right here. Because what follows is the ugly reflection of the inner self of each one of us.

So here goes the list of Indian Double Standards –

·         The boy's family insults, humiliates and disrespects the girl because she isn't their choice. Boy justifies it, saying, they are not bad people, they just love me a lot and so they want to stop me from getting hurt. They still don't know you, so they react in this manner but that is only because they care. Ok, accepted.
The boy and girl have a heated argument and a friend of the girl gives the boy some harsh words. The girl says that her friend cares for her and whatever he said was because he was worried about her. He still doesn't know you well, hence his reaction, but he is not a bad person. The boy's argument, how dare someone disrespects me and you take his side. Double Standards, yes or no?

·         Girl gets married at 25 and is now 8 years into the marriage, aged - 33. Yet another girl, completes her engineering, works for a few years, then does a post-graduation, works and goes around the world living a grand life till 33. Society refers to the two women in any discussion -
First woman - That old woman, she's been married for eight years, already in her mid-thirties, still doesn't have a kid, must be some problem with her.
Second woman - That gorgeous young lady, she is such a successful professional, has gone all around the world, very impressive.

·         Girl/Boy (X) married off early in life (around 25 - 26), now 5 years into the marriage. Yet another boy/girl (Y) of the same age, single and leading a carefree life. Neighbourhood acquaintance introducing her 3 year old kid to X - Baby, say hello to X Uncle / Aunty. The same lady introducing the kid to Y - Baby, say hello to Y Bhaiya / Didi. Years of marriage defines your level of seniority in the social circle, not your actual age.

·          XY (chromosome) at 26, XX (chromosome) at 25, get married. The marriage does not work as expected and inspite of efforts from both the sides, 6 years after the marriage they call it quits, thankfully without the complication of a kid being involved. Now the question of getting married again. Society's, including the family's view on it -
For the Boy - Its fine, koyi baat nahi. Abhi iski umar hi kya hai, achhi kunwari ladkiyo ki to line lag jayegi iske liye.
For the Girl - Oh God, pata nahi kya karke ayi hai. Family wonders, how are we going to face the society! People advise the family, find a divorcee or a widower and get her married quickly, the only way to save your face.

·         A divorced man looking for a second chance at marriage. First preference to single girls if possible, if none are found, then go to the category of divorced women but preferably without children.
A divorced woman looking for an alliance. How can she even think of getting hitched to a single man? Come on, she is used, a second hand item, God knows what she has done that led to the end of her first marriage! Divorced men or widowers are the best shot for her. She doesn't deserve more.

·         A married woman who has been working ever since her graduation decides to take a break in her career after 6-7 years. Public notion about it - she's taking a break, enjoying her family life, that's fine.
A married man is severely suffocated with the daily commotion, of life at work and managing family, and is desperate to take a break to rejuvenate himself. He takes it while his wife continues to work. Public notion - Look at that shameless man sitting at home doing nothing. The poor wife is carrying the responsibility of the family on her shoulder. 

·         Neighbour's daughter had to get an abortion because she was duped by a cheat and an unmarried pregnant girl would have destroyed the family's reputation. The ladies in the society discuss the girl - She was always a little unruly. Staying out late, partying, lot of friends including boys, this was bound to happen. Someone quips in about the daughter of one of the ladies at the gossip table - Adi (her son) was telling me he saw your daughter the other day at a pub with a bunch of her friends. The lady retorts back harshly - Impossible, my children are not like this. They are very well disciplined and are not involved in any such activities which could bring the family's name to shame unlike this girl.       

      Little did she know that the same daughter she has been boasting about, has had two abortions during her days at the hostel with financial help from friends, and a distant relative who she thought she could confide in.

·         Girl married to boy. A few years down the line differences crop up between the two, some due to their own incompatibilities and some due to over indulgence of the boy's family in every matter. When it gets worse, the families step in. Unpleasant exchange of dialogues and several rounds of arguments later, they call it quits. Mother-in-law is quick to pass a judgment on the girl; she didn’t have the patience to nurture a family. She destroyed my son's life.
A year later, the boy's sister gets married. Two years into the marriage, the sister walks back to her parent’s house with bag and baggage claiming she can't live there any longer. Mother is quick to console the daughter - Now what did that mumma's boy do? This boy has made my daughter's life hell; he ruined this marriage by allowing his family to control their relationship.

·         Young happy couple married for a year. The XY (chromosome) gets a long term opportunity abroad which requires them to shift base. Wouldn't have been a problem, if not for the only condition that the XX (chromosome) had laid down before marriage, that she won't ever quit her job. XY asks XX the question that is the benchmark for all emotional coercion - Doesn't your happiness lie in my happiness? Result - XX leaves her lifeline, her job and trots alongside XY in his quest for happiness.  A few years down the line, they are back home and both doing well in their own jobs. One fine day, XX gets an opportunity to join her dream company but that requires operating out of a different city. XX asks XY - Can you take a transfer to that city or if not, can you leave this job and find another one there? XY's reply - Have you gone nuts? I have worked so hard to get here and the prospects for me here are brilliant. You want me to throw away all of that? You must be crazy!!!
XX with tears welling up in her eyes, thinks to herself.......my happiness lay in yours, but doesn't your happiness lie in mine?

I could go on and on as there are a number of such scenarios that are running through my mind. We are quick to judge, quick to assume, quick to accuse, quick to take someone or something for granted and quick to defame and disrespect. But we rarely ask a simple question to ourselves before we do so. The question being - Can I claim with absolute surety that I am never going to be on the other side, the side that I so confidently choose to judge, accuse or disrespect today? And if I see myself there, would I have thought the same way as I think today?

                                                     

Priceless OR Worthless?

They say, "Do good and good will come to you". 

When I was young, I remember being a very stingy kid.....not the kind who would like to share her toys, her chocolates or anything else with others. I remember bundling up all my toys and other prized possessions into an old blue saree of my mother's and carrying that bundle around the whole house to make sure no one would lay a hand on any of my treasures 😊. My uncle often added to the fun by sneaking in one of those heavy irons that existed in those days into the bundle and then everyone would watch and enjoy how I struggled with all my might to carry my wealth around 😄😄. 

Leaving aside the fun, my mother did her due of the parental duties by teaching me the importance of the virtues of sharing and benevolence, the importance of giving and sacrificing. And I guess I took to those teachings quite well. As I grew up, giving and sacrificing became something that came very naturally to me, and may I add that it was many a times, at the expense of hurt, and deep loss to myself. But I never stepped back, because I sincerely believed in the value of the virtue.

 As an animal lover, charity in the field of animal welfare by supporting NGOs financially was a natural progression. So was my tendency to be generous to humans who in my view were in any way less fortunate than I was by way of alms, donations and the like. I remember a journey by train all the way from Guwahati to the then, Bombay when I was in the sixth standard. A journey which took about three days. It was a trip during which we also survived a train accident 😏. But let me keep that story in store for some other day. So moving on, as was the ritual, my father would frequently pick up various kinds of food items from the vendors who boarded the train as well as from the stations at which the train halted. Amongst the pack of eatables was an always available bunch of bananas, something I loved eating. I sat at one of the window seats with the bunch and kept handing over one or more of the bananas to every person who raised a needy hand towards my window. If you have ever been on a train journey in this country, I am sure you know, that there is no dearth of people living in want of the basics and a railway station is a site familiar to a large number of such people. A while later, a co - passenger, who had sort of become an acquaintance to the family owing to the duration of the journey, pointed out to my father in a very amused tone - "Your daughter hasn't eaten a single banana out of the entire stock that you had bought, and there hasn't been one hand that has left the window empty as long as she had any bananas to spare". My father smiled, and the person asked me, "Weren't you hungry? Your father had bought those for you. Why didn't you spare some for yourself before helping the others?".....and I just responded by saying "I don't know, I just felt like it". Come to think of it, it probably wasn't a case that I would be left cringing with hunger because I didn't spare any for myself, but the point is, I failed to even think that what if, this was my only source of food. Should I then have considered sparing some for myself before switching on my "be kind and generous" button? But the thought never even occurred to me. 

It is this trait that sometimes led to me being reprimanded for going overboard with my generosity, because in the course of being an empath, I, at times, possibly ended up encouraging fake people feigning need. A habit which I have now tried to control based on the judgement of whether it is a genuine situation.

But the basic trait remained ingrained. However, as I walked further through the journey of life,  my belief of good finding its way back to those who did good, slowly faltered, till the time that it has now reached a point where I feel that sacrifice often goes disrespected in today's world. You give up for love, you give up to be kind, you give up to make others happy, but you are rewarded with loss and hurt in return. And if that is not enough, if acknowledgement and respect is the least you could hope for in response, those who you sacrifice for, turn out to be disgracious enough to turn the tables on you and claim that you are being demanding. Of course, a sacrifice is made with no expectation in return, but the least one can do is to value and uphold the sacrifice. But the world of today runs on different values. Something that I fail to comprehend and therefore end up being hurt, deeply! 

And if I may add here, such blasphemy comes more often than not from people who you would consider your own. A speechless animal, or a completely unknown beneficiary will express their gratitude or gratefulness in their own unique way, even if with a simple sign of a blessing. But when it comes to people who hold important positions in your life, do not be surprised if you end up receiving a response which indicates that your efforts have been completely ignored by them or if situations have been coloured to instead make it look like you have wronged people. 

Does this mean that the value of an act of virtue is diminished by the "favour" of being bound by a relationship? Or else how does one explain why, a sacrifice deemed priceless by a complete stranger, becomes something that can be ignored or even considered a mistake on your part when it comes to your loved ones? 

In the world of today, is the honor and worth of a virtue being weighed down by the implicit mandatory expectations imposed in the name of relations?