Where the Mind is Without Fear…..

A few days back, I happened to watch a movie which left me overwhelmed with the underlying theme…….that being the feeling of “freedom in captivity while being shackled in apparent freedom”. For those of you who are cinephiles like me, you may have already guessed that the flick I am referring to here is ‘Highway’. However, the purpose today of getting down to my favourite way of communication (writing of course) is not to come up with yet another review of the movie in question here, but to ponder a little over this central theme which has somehow affected me deeply.

Keeping my own self in view here, I realized how most people experience the same emotion, in some way or the other, but refrain from accepting it or admitting to this fact, lest they be looked upon as being eccentric or self-centered people who try to question the norms of this society that we all willingly or unwillingly, have to be a part of. A good friend of mine always tells me, “life is tough, yet beautiful and worth every effort to live it and keep oneself happy”. I can guarantee that while most people acquiesce to this in the privacy of their inner self, when it comes to action, people take a step back, yet again considering those unseen ambits that we all have imposed on ourselves. Societal norms and public image get the better of the happiness of our inner soul. Whether this is right or wrong, is again a subjective thought. It is largely determined by the priorities people set in life and by the level of sacrifice deemed acceptable by one.

Life presents us with different situations, and we make our choice and settle for that as the destination. Given the context of the moment when the choice is made, it may have been the best possible option. But don’t times and people change? Is it wrong to change? Or is it necessary that we consciously turn a blind eye to the change and pretend that life is just the same? Why is it that, being truly happy becomes a conditional affair subject to restrictions that the rule book of the society lays down? When I put forth these questions, I certainly don’t want to sound like one who is saying so because she is the devil’s advocate justifying any act or desire as acceptable under the pretext of being happy. Certainly not. But I would definitely like to consider the flip side with the possibility of breaking the unseen barriers of right and wrong sadly decided in most cases by the rules of the world.

While the concept of “where the mind is without fear” is a pleasing idea, the fact remains that each one of us succumbs to those unseen inhibitions, the fear which prevents us from lending a ear to the will of the mind, from taking up the road less taken or that step considered taboo. This brings me to yet another distressing question. After all the painstaking effort to grow – physically, intellectually, socially…..settle well, do all that is done in life to be considered successful, claiming throughout that it is all done with the aim of leading a good and happy life, does life actually spell out into happiness for all with this. Yes, gladly for a lucky section, it does, but for most, life more often than not adds up to a series of subdued wishes, sacrifices and compromises. And all this for what……for the life we proudly claim to be our own, but end up living it as per the whims of the society. Zindagi Milegi Na Dobara…………..is it? If yes, is it worth wasting this precious gift because others wouldn’t approve of something and force ourselves to live the life the world wants us to live. Or should we spread the wings of our being far and wide and live life to the fullest, which necessarily doesn’t mean that we go on an inconsiderate rampage blurring all distinctions between right and wrong.

Of all the questions that I have raised, while I personally would respond with an answer that would be considered rebellious, it’s an irony that I still find it difficult to put my views into action. Fortunately or unfortunately, in so many years of the life that I have already lived (not sure though whether I can consider it living in the actual sense of the term), I could only muster the courage to raise the questions and answer them honestly….. action is still a distant dream.

The Hows and Whys of Life………

Am back, and this time after a year……

Whenever I have taken to writing to indite my thoughts and feelings, I have more often than not, chosen to go by a central theme. But today, for the first time, I am here to just let out an incoherent flow of emotions. It’s difficult to explain the reason behind the urge to do so, but I guess, so far as the ‘I’ in me is concerned, it’s somehow just the need of the hour.

I have read and heard abundantly about one thing – ‘Life is a lesson, it teaches you a lot’. While sometimes this message would come from my mother telling me that each experience in life would teach me how to deal with things better than I did the last time, at others, it would come from just some random piece of text that I happened to run my eyes through, or from some candid moments shared with a close confidant. The hardest and possibly the best way though, is to get the message from your own experience. Although I must also admit that it definitely isn’t the sweet and encouraging piece of practical wisdom that you always gain in the process. However, it does make you a stronger person, one who can face life’s challenges with an undaunted spirit. But, in my view, more than anything else, it just somehow gives you the strength to live through a lot of unfair, unexplained, unjust, harsh and hurtful situations in life, and trust me on this, life does have loads of them in store for each one of us.

Over the last few days, some of my personal experiences, as well as what I have heard from people in different contexts, have forced me to take a rather quizzical look at life.  Although, I am aware of the fact that most of these queries would never have a logical answer, but that is what bothers me the most. Well, if I come to think of it more closely, it is more to do with the people involved, when such difficult situations are created in life, than life in itself, but I still can’t keep myself from asking this question of ‘Why?’, to which there is obviously no answer. And it is this unanswered question that makes life an eternal search, and sometimes just a compromise to fill in the gaps.

Let’s take this for an example – you have made possibly the only and the most difficult choice in your life. Make it anything that suits your imagination, the choice of a career, a life partner or any other important decision that you have taken. Your conviction says it is the right decision, and so you give it your all. With years of dedication, loyalty, honesty and trust you work towards making it a success. You nurture your dream and sacrifice and give up on a lot of other things and patiently wait for your efforts to show the results that you hope for and in all honesty, deserve as well. But destiny plays the cruel game, and you see your dreams shattered right in front of your eyes.  The distressing part – you were in no way responsible for it. It happened because people or situations in life betrayed you, they took you for granted and disrespected your sacrifices and efforts. It is then that you see yourself asking – ‘Why?’.

I came across a person a few days back whose ability to hope for and give life another chance after the innumerable times life had pushed her back, simply amazed me. She had been wronged by the people she had given her all to, many a times, but each time she gave those very people yet another chance to prove her faith and belief in them right. I felt she was demeaning herself in doing so over and over again. But then I tried to look at things from her point of view. She had dedicated a decade of her life, given up on a lot of her dreams, sacrificed a lot, and sincerely given her all to this aspect of her life. It was her ‘ALL’. So, she probably didn’t want that to turn into nothing, and so she clung on to the last thread each time and worked towards making it a strong binding. It is then that I started to see sense in her madness.

But, then I peered at the other side of the picture. Was it giving the people involved in her life, the freedom to take her for granted, to believe that she could never walk away? Probably yes. Which is why they kept doing the same everytime. They would give her a few days of confidence that this would never happen again, with assurances and pleas of forgiveness. And then they would expect her to get back to normal, resume her duties and responsibilities with all honesty and dedication, failing which she would be questioned, in a manner that said that this is what she was meant to do. It appalled me..….and this brought me to yet another question – ‘How?’. How could life (or put it as people if you like it, because life in a lot of ways is made up of the people involved) be so unfair?

This probably isn’t a very uncommon thing in the life of a lot of people, especially women, to be more specific the married ones. It is not that I have a chauvinistic attitude, but even in this age where we proudly proclaim that we believe in gender equality, there is this strange bias that I have seen most married women go through. I have seen a few lucky ones too, who have found a second home post marriage which gives them the same care, love and respect that all women as daughters get in their parent’s house. Very often we see a lot being expected out of women…...get married and there you go with a long list of duties, responsibilities and expectations to be fulfilled. Never mind if the standards set for the terms of  ‘duties, responsibilities and expectations’ widely vary when it comes to the other half of the conjugal relationship. Things that are considered unacceptable, almost criminal when it is for the female in question, happily become synonymous to ‘OK’, or ‘Mistakes happen’ when it comes to the male. The ones who decide to raise a voice or walk out are conveniently termed as incompatible or incapable of handling marital duties. Going by natural senses of logic, we might very well ask – ‘Why this difference?’. Of course, there is no logical answer and we as women, have somehow come to terms with this unanswered question of life atleast.

So, on the note that I had started with, although arising from an array of incoherent thoughts and feelings, I do have a lot of questions for life…....the unanswered Hows and Whys of Life!!!

A Tribute to Life……….TROY

I have shared various feelings that I have experienced in my life through the canvas of My Cognitions…..and this time, after a considerably long duration, it is pain and grief that has brought back the words flowing endlessly.

It has been close to two years now that I and my husband have been associated with the Bangalore wing of CUPA (Compassion Unlimited Plus Action) who run a shelter for animals in distress. September 2010 was the time, when, our final efforts to save an old stray dog near our apartment whose hind legs had been left totally non – functional, led us to the CUPA animal shelter. The doctors there tried their best to give the grand old dog another shot at life, but it was not to be. The poor dog had to be put to sleep to relieve him of the inexplicable pain and suffering that it had been enduring. 

While we were taking a look around the shelter, there was this one jovial and high – spirited pooch that caught my attention. On moving closer to her, we found that she suffered from the same kind of disability that the dog we had brought in, had. Her hind legs had been rendered useless due to a fatal injury to her spine during an accident that she had met with when she was barely six months old. A few kind – hearted souls had picked her up and brought her to the shelter. She was dragging herself all around using her front legs and at the maximum speed possible. To us as the onlookers, it appeared to be such a painful process as her skin was constantly rubbing against the ground. But, she was not one to be let down by her debility. Sheer enthusiasm and zest for life – that was TROY. 

A volunteer at the shelter told us that she frequently suffered from infections due to the abrasions she had resulting from the friction with the ground. He also told us that to reduce his discomfort and help him move around they had devised a trolley cart to support her hind legs. It helped her for a few days, and she would happily trot around the shelter with the aid of the trolley. Unfortunately, her spine was too weak to handle the weight for long and so they had to discontinue using it.  But all the pain and discomfort that we could visualize from what we heard was nowhere to be found in Troy, not even a speck of it. Her spirit and energy to win through all the challenges that life offered her was nothing but infectious. It made me feel so diminutive to think that inspite of belonging to that species known as the best creation of God, ‘The Homo – Sapiens’ , I was so easily discouraged and demoralized by things that were so insignificant when compared to what this four – legged creature was confronted with, and which she almost tossed ahead like a ball which was thrown towards her as an object of entertainment. 

We decided to adopt her as foster parents. Foster parenting here would mean that, we provide the financial support for all her daily needs as well as the constant medical attention that she required. So, September 19^th, 2010, marked the beginning of a lifelong bond between us and Troy. We would visit her once in a month or once in every two months, and the officials at CUPA would regularly update us about her condition. Everytime we visited CUPA she would be there to welcome us with the same warmth and love. Over a period of time a relationship developed between us which was nothing less than what one shares with one's child. She was our baby – our darling Troy.

The last time we visited her, we decided to gift her a new collar with tiny paw prints. It was lunch time for the inmates at the shelter and she was busy eating when we reached. Once she was done, we took her aside and removed her old collar and put in the new one that we had bought for her. She stayed with us for a while as we patted her and then she decided to take a stroll and so we let her go. We spend some more time playing with the other dogs and cats at the shelter and just before we got up to leave we decided to see Troy. But, she was nowhere to be found, we looked all around the shelter but she wasn’t around. We asked the attendants if they had seen her and slowly everyone started looking for her. They called out her name but there was no response. I started getting worried because this was very unlike her. After almost an hour of looking for her, one of the officials came out smiling from the office and told us she was in there. We walked in to find her happily taking her afternoon nap under one of the tables there. Seeing us, she pulled herself up and came to us with that very familiar expression of selfless love. We cuddled her for a while and then said good bye to her, but little did we know then that it was the last time we were seeing her!!!!

Just as we were planning our next visit to see her during the weekend, the officials at CUPA informed us that she had finally succumbed to the infection which had gradually spread across her body. Troy is no more and there is nothing that can fill the void that she has left. 

Yes, I know, that very few people, limited to those classified as animal – lovers, will be able to comprehend the profoundness of this bond between ‘Man and Man’s Best Friend’. I also know that some would consider this level of involvement with an animal as an act of insanity. But I consider the few, who are aware of this wonderful feeling of selfless love, loyalty, devotion and friendship that these speechless creatures shower upon their human companions, as blessed, for this is an experience that destiny showers only on the fortunate.

Troy has taught me and possibly many others who have known her, the art of living life to the fullest no matter what the conditions are. She has been an inspiration to many and she will forever live in our memories. I hope that she finds peace and happiness wherever she is.

Miss You Troy…..RIP………..

DIL…DOSTI….YAARI

A few days ago, on a little prod by one of my “Bestest Friends”, I put up a post on my facebook wall which went as follows - "Friends are the family we choose for ourselves". Following this, during all the lonely time that I now have at my disposal, I went on a ride down memory lane. The ride brought back an unrestrained flow of priceless memories of the times that I have spent with my extended family of friends. And then it struck me……I have used “My Cognitions” to put across my thoughts on various things…….why not add one to this list which goes out to all my buddies?

The list is endless……..so many moments that I would like to put down……

Let me start with the friends I had made in school……….one of my closest friends starting from those days of carefree abandon till today is Mona…….she has been and will always be special to me. I can’t forget those long walks we used to take, sometimes all the way from Police Bazaar to Laitumkhrah (those of you who know Shillong, might agree that it certainly isn’t a short distance), talking about almost anything in this world. Then there were those visits to the church near Don Bosco Square. We had and still have a lot in common, the best being our love for animals. I remember, how the two of us would make plans of following in the footsteps of Maneka Gandhi and starting something to help the strays lead a better life. I still hope, that one day we can come together and turn this childhood dream into a reality.

School was also the time when I was a crazy fan of the Little Master, none other than Sachin Tendulkar. My partner in this madness was Paromita DebRoy…….Paro if you happen to read this, am sure you remember the times we had. I must admit though, that I am still one of the greatest fans of this extra ordinary talent and I bet Paro feels the same. And then there was this brief but extreme obsession that we shared about the scene from Dil to Pagal Hai in which the Badshah of Bollywood allured the lady of his dreams with the double worded o – so – romantic dialogue “Aur paas aur paas…….” J.

Many more from the school days could probably add on to this sequence of memoirs and each one is equally important to me, but keeping in mind the concepts of time and space let me move on to the next phase. That would be the days from the 10 +2 years. Mona continued to be one of my closest buddies through this period as well. Lopa, was added to my self-chosen family of friends. We spent some absolutely fun – filled moments during the tuitions that we took with my favourite teacher till date, T.S. Sir. Also worth mentioning are those frequent visits to the “Chaat House” that we simply loved on our way back home.

Then came the time to move away from home………for the first time, to experience what was called - the hostel life, and one which I certainly didn’t have a very good impression about. And the initial days most definitely lived up to that very conjecture. However, with time it was this very hostel life that I came to associate with the best days of my life…….so much so, that I still miss it terribly. What made it great positively wasn’t the place……one look at it and you would probably agree that it really wasn’t. Then what was it? But obviously, the people……the friends…….a few more members added to my chosen family. Enter…..Anjori Dutta, Anjali Thakur, Lakshmi Prabha and Piyali Sinha. Together, we had some of the most rollicking times of our life. Just the other day I was talking to Anjori, and as we were reminiscing the boisterous times we had, she happened to mention a particular episode where we had a gala time in sort of adam – teasing a few boys who had come down to take a stroll in front of the girls’ hostel after dinner. The poor guys never figured out who were the ones turning the tables on them….thanks to the cover of the boundary walls on the terrace and the comic façade of voices we used in the process. Anjori let out a strain of “Babuji zara dheere chalo” in a playback perfect voice for a witch J while Anjali and Piyali were showering the funniest dialogues they could think of on the victims.

I remember another outrageous incident during one of our trips to the hottest eatery known to us in those days…...Aashiq ka Dhaba. We planned to go for an early dinner….so there we were at the “Corner” (which was the place from where the transport to and from our abode for four years was available) waiting to get into an auto. We decided to fit into one, and instead of going for the lap as the extra seat for the additional two, we decided to take the front seat on both sides of the driver. You bet, the driver must have been a happy soul as that was a seat meant only for the boys to take. As the three great minds, Anjali, Piyali and Prabha took the back seat, it was on me and Anjori to adorn the seats beside the driver. We started off, and while the two of us couldn’t stop smiling at the driver blushing to the limits of infinity….the three at the back seat, made it even better with their constant jibes at us. No sooner did one of the three give an example of “Do Phool Ek Mali” and the driver who was so long trying to contain his expressions to a few shy smiles, could no longer help it but break out into a laugh. God…….I don’t know what it was if not crazy.

I don’t think I could miss out the charge that the girls’ hostel as a whole had made on the annual crowd of Diwali visitors who would come to trouble and frighten us by hurling in firecrackers over the walls of the girls’ hostel shattering window panes, and damaging things inside the rooms next to the walls. We decided, it was enough and went for the chase, and we did get a handful of the culprits much to our delight.

I could go and on with so many more of such memorable incidents……..it truly is an endless inventory of priceless moments.

Friends truly are a family we choose for ourselves……..and all I want to end this with is a big thank you to all my mates for being part of this special family of mine and giving me this invaluable treasure trove of fun-filled moments that I will cherish for my entire life.

Love You All……J

P.S.: This piece is dedicated to all my friends and not just the ones whose names I have mentioned here.

The whole thing is that…………….

Bollywood has given us a lot many memorable one – liners……….a few of particular interest to me in this context are –
Money Hai to Honey Hai
Paisa Bolta Hai
Sabse Bada Rupaiya

We might have used these in many of our fun – filled conversations, but is that all these lines hold? Come to think of it and I end up concluding that probably they do much more than that, in fact, they hold what might be the ultimate truth and goal of life in the current day scenario.

There was a time when I was strongly of the opinion, that money, although important is not the whole and soul of the matter. There are other things, like love, peace of mind, the company of loved ones, the satisfaction of doing what you want rather than doing things based on calculations of profit and loss, etc. that are the ones which come first in the list of must haves……and money features somewhere down the line in this list. However, with time and with the good and rude experiences of life……..my unstaggering belief in this seems to have dwindled a little.

Why?........lets see……

There’s someone who’s passionate about nature and animals. He wants to pursue a career which will allow him to make his passion his work. He conveys his thoughts to his parents………..I am sure most of us know the answer he gets…….”Are you nuts?....Where do you think that’s going to take you 10 years down the line? Don’t be stupid “. He definitely doesn’t want to be that, does he, so, there he is, a Senior Analyst in a multi-national company. And what does he get…..a handsome pay cheque for sure, the power to buy all the luxuries of life………but, at the cost of……..the time he wished to spend pursuing his unfulfilled wish to do something that deals with his passion…….or may be that smile on his daughter’s face which he wanted to see when he takes her out on a surprise visit to the ice-cream parlour on a Wednesday evening…....

And then, there is this sweet young couple, very much in love, each wanting nothing but the everlasting company of the other. Happy in their own little world of a rented 1 bhk in a metro, a two – wheeler, a job paying a decent enough salary but certainly not enough to go about collecting the many temptations and luxuries the world of today has to offer. Soon enough, they get tired of getting soaked in the rain everytime they plan a ride together on their so long good enough two – wheeler, and of having to strike off their plans for a few days off to Goa because of non- availability of the train tickets and the insufficiency of funds to get the available but expensive air tickets. So, what do you think they do………..
……..but obviously, take off in search of greener pastures in terms of the financial returns. And where do they land up………happily, in high paying jobs. But is it the happiness they were looking for……..well, they do have a flashing car parked right outside their door, and they do have the funds to get the air tickets not only to Goa, but to Europe if they wish to…………but do they have the time to even plan a drive together to some place nearby…..well sadly….not really.

Then, at one of the many traffic signals in the city, while you are seated in the auto waiting for the lights to say “Go”, you see a mother holding his son by the hand, making her way across the vehicles, tapping at the windows with her hands spread out making a desperate plea for a few pennies to be handed over. May not be a very unusual sight in our country…….which you might as well have chosen to ignore, but this time, there’s something that particularly catches your gaze. It’s the boy, following his mother…….a look at him closely, and you see scars all over his face, head, hands and on whatever more is visible, beyond the cover of his clothes. You call out to the woman and hand over a twenty rupee note to her……...and the mother looks at you hurriedly before moving on to the next vehicle, not saying much in words, but her eyes tell you………she just can’t thank you enough.

I could go on and on with many more of such encounters………..but whatever may be the scenario, there is one universal truth that lies beneath all of them………..whether we like it or not, whether we accept it or not, money does play a crucial role in life. While it is a necessity in some cases, in others it is an agent by means of which we attempt to buy happiness, all the while forgetting that happiness is not a commodity with a price tag on it.

But vain as we are……...we continue to follow the Bollywood mantra……..
“The Whole Thing Is That Ke Bhaiya Sabse Bada Rupaiya”.

Haso, Jeeyo, Muskurao….Kyu Ki Kya Pata…………..

Am back, again after a long hiatus.......had been putting this off giving no one but myself the same old excuse of a busy schedule.....no time...........but all my excuses were blown into thin air by the rude realization of something I had heard many times.......life is short, live each moment as if it were your last......coz you never know when you will be cut short of your words........

In the past, whenever I had come across this sentence, it just seemed like a small philosophical note on life.......nothing more. But over the last two weekends, the sudden news of the demise of two people, one an ex- batchmate and the other an acquaintance at my office, have forced me to take a closer look at the very painful and ultimate truth in it. One moment, you might be alive and kicking......and the next moment, in just a breath you might be whisked away to the other world. Frankly speaking death has never scared me. Like everyone else, the world on the other side of this thin line between life and death, has been a mystery for me as well. But somehow, I’ve always felt that however it might be, it can never equal this big bad world in the negatives.

Coming back to the point of the realization, that life is a short journey......which is the reason why I am sitting down here today putting down a few words.......making an effort to leave back a few memories (of my thoughts, my feelings etc.) etched in my own personal little history of life, for posterity. Today, I genuinely want to promise myself one thing, and keep up to it to the best of my abilities.......that as long as there is even an inch of a possibility that I can do so, I will never leave anything that comes to my mind undone, and put it off for some other time.......a tomorrow, which on one day might and will turn out to be the day I cross over that finish line.........

So, to sum it up, let me sign off for today with a personal favourite and one of King Khan’s most famous dialogues........ “Haso, Jeeyo, Muskurao........kyu ki kya pata KAL HO NA HO”........ :)

A Precious SMILE….Not Just A Curve That Sets Things Straight!!!

Am back on track………..was a little tied up with everyday activities, so just couldn’t fit in a slot to pour out the words reeling in my head…….

This time the “Object” which set the words in my mind in action turned out to be a four month old bambino, my cute little nephew, “Siddhanth” aka “Rihaan” whom we very lovingly refer to as “Mr.Lal”. The reason behind that being – everytime he lets out that wail to express his indignation at the current state of affairs, his face turns a bright red in a matter of seconds J

However, it was not his occasional wails that caught my attention, it was in fact, the only other expression that he manages to put forward at this stage – his SMILE. This is the first instance that, I, after having mellowed with time, have come into such immediate and continued contact with the tiny lot. This is therefore the first opportunity that I have had to observe and comprehend the activities of this age group. Amongst all the other things that I thus noticed, the SMILE was the one thing that fascinated me.

For most, in fact, for all of us and by us I mean all the people who have gone past the stage of infancy, a “Smile” is restricted to a facial expression formed by flexing a few muscles at both ends of the mouth. At most, it might be something that we perceive in the twinkling of an individual’s eyes. However, for Rihaan, it appeared to be something that had to propagate through his entire constitution in the form of some awkward twists and turns. The scene is more like that of an umpire gesturing a six with a naughty bug somewhere down his pants J, the creature creating a good amount of disturbance…..or an even more appropriate vignette would be the famous Sunny Deol - “Yaara o Yaara” signature dance step. There is an important point to be noted however, the umpire or the Sunny Deol replica, whichever suits your taste…..in this case, is flat down on the ground JJJ. Of course, the trademark open mouthed exhibition of the toothless cavity is forever there. But for Rihaan, the very meaning and purpose of a “Smile” seemed to be incomplete unless accompanied by the incoherent boogie. This in turn led us to come up with the inane but suggestive phrase – “The Full Body Smile”.

“The Full Body Smile” was henceforth observed as being constituent in whole or part in most of Rihaan’s daily activities, to mention a few –

• His “Good Morning” wishes
• His response to a smile anybody passed on to him
• His response to any kind of greeting or for that matter any kind of gibberish
• In his mood of playful banter………

……..the list could just go on and on….....

It is said that on an average children smile 400 times a day as compared to a mere 15 times for an adult. Assuming the same to be true, each time Rihaan adds on to his daily count of 400 he makes sure that he adds on to the count of his onlookers as well, for it can seldom happen that you miss out on your quota of simpers while you stand a witness to the most infectious “SMILE” that I have ever come across.

Thanks a lot kiddo for brightening up my day with the flash of your exquisite smile everytime I cast a loving glance at you….